At the very root of many disputes and conflicts between family members lie a belief ( or misbelief) that I am doing more than others. A thought that my contributions, my commitments, my sacrifices are much more than that of others.

I am not talking about an unhealthy one sided relationship.  Even in a healthy relationship between spouses or partners, there could come times when each person feels that they are doing more than the other.

Unfortunately, there are no set parameters to measure the various contributions made by the people in a family. Each person contributes in their own unique ways and that person has all the right to believe that he/she has done his/her best. And probably he/she is doing the best according to his/her abilities.

In an organization, a person is recruited based on his skills and is expected to perform a set of duties in return for a certain remuneration. The hierarchy is clear and the contribution is mostly directly proportional to the compensation. The comparison is only among peers and the differences among them are attributed to various parameters like previous experiences, background, college attended etc.

On the contrary , there are no benchmarks set for any person that becomes a part of the family. Even if there are attributes that people look for before entering into a family agreement, most of them haze out with time. Addition of new members , change in the characteristics of the existing ones and change of circumstances impact all set rules and guidelines in the family’s functioning. Slowly a monotony sets in and people fall into the expectations vs reality gap. This when combined with the belief of “I am doing more”  by each member , proves fatal for many relationships.

There are a lot of people who like to be the person doing more in a relationship. So they do not have any cribs even if they are actually doing more. We are not talking about such people.

Is there a solution for this “i am doing more” syndrome?

The first step towards solving it is “Awareness“.

The awareness that “I am doing more” is a constant thought in my mind which is causing harm to my relationship with others is a big step towards solving it.

The second step is to understand the reality by making a list of contributions made by the other members in the family. It is important to make a very comprehensive list without categorizing it as important, not important, relevant, irrelevant etc.  If you are particular about writing it down, you can do that. Else, a mental note is good enough. You will be surprised to see how we have always undermined their contributions just to overplay ours.

Appreciating the other person for his/her contributions becomes easier now and that can be the beginning of a better understanding in the relationship.

Hence, awareness and understanding can help us deal with problems and misunderstandings that arise from something that I have taken the liberty to call “I am doing more” syndrome.

Finally, it is important to understand that a family does not work the way an organization does. Some people make all the difference just by their presence and those contributions cannot be measured or factored in.

Let us raise a toast to our families for whom we have done our best and who have done their best for us!

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